Jan 30

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Finished manual edit of “A Time To Every Purpose”. 3200 words. Will post for crits later today. Downloaded “Gift Within” and will crit it while I wait.

Jan 30

9193891

Kate Bush said that she felt like “Life has blown a great big hole through me”. That seems like an apt description of what I feel as well. My problem now is to figure out how to protect myself with fire.

Before I was so rudelky interrupted, I had just finished a from-scratch rewrite of “A Time To Every Purpose”. It now stands at 3100 words. I plan to do a manual edit pass on it today and maybe put it up on HollyLisle.Com and try to get some critiques. I also have a much better handle on “Sea Change” and “Grace for the Sinner” now and need to get some work done on those stories as well.

Current reading: Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore (©1991, HarperCollins, 0-06-016597-9). The subtitle is “A Guide For Cultivating Deptha and Sacredness in Everyday Life”, and the author uses mythology (mostly Greek) to illuminate the ways in which we can get in touch with our souls and become more complete beings. Recommended reading.

Jan 27

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Let’s talk about fear. Not the normal, everyday fear like being afraid to ask a certain person out, or being afraid to try an unfamiliar vegetable, I mean the kind of fear that would lead a child to wet the bed because the monsters would get him if he put his feet on the floor. I mean the kind of fear that left me huddled and weeping in a corner.

In Dune, Frank Herbert called fear “the mind-killer” and “the little death”. I now wonder if Mr. Herbert suffered from a panic disorder, because his phrases really hit close to home. Fear does kill the mind when it gets to this level. It becomes an almost physical presence, suffocating its victim, battering at the mind, clubbing reason and logic into unconsciousness. The mind wants for it to stop and will do anything to make it stop. When the crisis comes, the mind is likely to flee shrieking into the night.

Fear is “the little death”. The panic attack that I suffered on January 14, 2002 was a life-threatening event. I could easily have wound up dead by my own hand or by accident brought on by unreasoning panic. Since that time, I know that I have been deeply wounded and will take a long, long time to heal. There is now only one place where I feel safe, and I can’t go back there. That is frightening in and of itself.

My soon-to-br-former boss called my house yesterday, and I answered the phone. He was obviously uncomfrotable talking to me, and I understand that. Nothing in particular was said, just “How are you?” and “Recovering, thank you”, but since that time, I have had a hard time every time the phone has rung. This morning, I am having a hard time with just the possibility that the phone might ring.

I have to write.

Couple of new ideas:

Conversion – Vampire gets the Holy Ghost, does God’s grace extend to soulless monsters?
Vampires Anonymous – 12-Step program for recovery. Would work well for werewolves, as well.

Blood-sucking monsters seem to be on my mind these days. Reckon there’s some not-so-deep psychological reason for that, given my work situation over the past year?

Jan 26

9065474

Don’t you just love the screwballs that life beans you with sometimes?

I’m writing my letter of resignation right now — the one I started two weeks ago. The reason I didn’t finish it then was because I was rudely interrupted by life and wound up curled up into a ball in the corner of our bathroom consumed by a panic so intense that it took everything I had to call Wendy and ask her to come home and find me some help. But I’m feeling much better now. 😉

The upshot is that I have to get out of this job RIGHT NOW!! Today. This minute. There’s no tomorrow. Doctor’s orders. Time for a(nother) career change. The down side is that things are going to get pretty tight financially. The up side is that, besides being able to remain sane, I will have a lot more time for writing.

C’est la vie, the French say. That’s life. And here’s one of the secrets of life that I learned after God got my attention with a 2×4 upside my head: It’s only a job; I can get another one. Here’s another one: Every single person on the face of the Earth deserves to be safe and well. Every one. Including you. Take care of you.

Got a lot to do; more later.